


so ist es immer

by ernjager



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Child Eren Yeager, Child Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Character Death, levi dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 16:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21449503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ernjager/pseuds/ernjager
Summary: so ist es immer: that's the way it is.One by one, the fallen ones begin to disappear, and Levi yells in pain and anguish and regret. Isabel goes first. Farlan second. His old squad then, then… Erwin. Before Erwin goes, he smiles, saluting Levi one last time.Levi's dreams are never good to him, because the world is cruel and unforgiving and unchangeable. He remembers them all, his friends—and all he wants is to see them again, to gain a second chance at protecting them. They believed in him. But he can't; he knows that.Within Eren shines a ferocity he recognizes in himself—the same tenacity and ambition to avenge those who have fallen and protect those who are innocent. Levi wants to be able to protect him, too.
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	so ist es immer

**Author's Note:**

> written according to the song by the same name. listen [here](https://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=_jqSy8E9JLQ#Attack_on_Titan_-__So_ist_es_immer__with_Lyrics) while reading; you won't regret it.

Levi is dreaming.

He is flying around in the underground again, whipping past shadowy buildings unoccupied and feeling the stagnant, dry air on his pale, icy skin. He’s young, with his two friends following close behind.

They’re alive here, he notes, and it feels good. Isabel laughs that penchant giggle, calling out his name for no reason in that way she does. Farlan is smirking his way, too, and his dream self smiles at him.

“Believe in me,” he says.

Isabel and Farlan immediately nod then, obedient, and then the wires of their ODM gear snap. He hears them scream, pitchily shriek as they’re swallowed whole into the dark hollow of the ground.

Levi is unable to do a thing. It happened too fast.

He gapes, staring down at the ground angrily, frustrated, because _this isn’t fair_, and tears fall so fast he can’t see. He keeps fleeting through the buildings recklessly, hoping his wires misfire and he falls in with them. But he knows he can’t just die; they believed in him.

He keeps crying, but he flies upwards this time, ODM gear reaching straight up for the surface.

He’s on top of the walls now, and he’s older. The creasing under his eyes shows, unlike when he was still a sickly, malnourished underground youth. He glows a bit healthier now that he’s been given the chance at a life.

He feels so, so guilty about it.

In front of him, he begins to see every comrade he’s ever had popping up along the demolished town beneath him like ants. But he can recognize each and every one of them. Isabel and Farlan show up first.

Then those he met in his Cadet Corps days, then Petra, Oluo, Eld, and Gunther, then many more Scouts, then Erwin.

They’re all smiling up at him, and he’s crying again. He hates it. He hates that he’s failed them.

One by one, the fallen ones begin to disappear, and Levi yells in pain and anguish and regret. Isabel goes first. Farlan second. His old squad then, then… Erwin. Before Erwin goes, though, he smiles, saluting Levi one last time.

Levi hates this so much.

He flings himself off the wall then, carelessly firing his gear into the midst of them, but the second his feet meet ground, all the comrades he’s ever had, ones he’s failed to protect, dissipate into thin air. They leave a bitter ash in their wake, and Levi recognizes the taste of death.

He couldn’t protect them. He couldn’t, he just couldn’t and he hates it _so much_.

How many people have ever believed in him and lost their lives in his absence, he wonders. A dozen? A hundred? More?

Levi falls onto one knee, dirt and ash coating his cape, and he screams into the void. He’s failed so many of them. Even after all this time, he’s unable to come to terms with the permanence of death, especially when it's his fault.

His chest is tight, his throat won’t make a noise anymore, and he feels the weight of a thousand deaths on his shoulders and in his heart, threatening to burst it at the seams. He wishes… he could see them again. He wishes he could have protected them so they could see the world with him now. They had shining seas to behold and expansive fields of florals and animals they’d never even imagined before.

He’s inside of the basement cell suddenly, and he sees himself looking back at him. He’s younger once again, he feels it in his bones and muscles, but the him across is also a bit more youthful than the current him.

Old Levi looks at him with a glint in his eye, and says, “Oh? Not bad.”

And he recognizes this scene. He feels young not because he _is_ in this dream but because he is in the body of Eren Jaeger.

Beside him outside the cell is Erwin. They’re deliberating on Eren’s case and his titan powers. This was so long before they learned they could fully trust Eren.

He feels the fire ignited inside this young body, one set off with gasoline and a pack of matches, one itching and fighting to break out of these chains and go out there and _avenge his family and be the protector of his friends_; and Levi, in Eren’s body, begins crying again. He’s sobbing frantically, wracking his body against the chains over and over until his wrists run raw. The him across nears the cell then. He doesn’t stop crying.

“It’s not your fault that you couldn’t save them. It wasn’t your duty.”

“But it _was_!” he screeches in the unfamiliar voice, unable to dam any emotion at all. It’s all too painful to remember, as if a stake pierces through his chest repeatedly over and over and over again—with each fallen soldier another bloody, bursting wound.

“It wasn’t. No one could have predicted that those things would happen.”

He turns away from himself as best as he can in chains, sucking up his sniffles and sobs. He hiccups angrily.

“What would you know? You’re not even _me_.”

“That body you’re in knows the exact same pain. I hope you remember that in your days to come.”

Everything fades away again. He’s himself, and he’s standing off against his own squad. They hold their blades to him, sweating in alertness, and he tells them to calm down. They yell it right back.

He turns around. It’s Eren, when he’d accidentally transformed while reaching for a spoon.

They meet eyes—and Levi begins to understand. They’re terrified, flickering between his squad and him, but they have not lost their fight. Those eyes don’t care that his comrades have turned their blades on him. He’s horrified by his own powers, but he has lost not an ounce of doubt that with them or without them, he _can protect_ them and anyone else and the rest of his comrades if need be. Even if it’s not true, he will never stop trying.

Levi recognizes that fire as his own.

Isabel and Farlan come to mind again. And Erwin. Then the squad before him dissipates one last time. He feels nothing anymore.

There is nothing in him.

He cannot be held down anymore by the looming nightmare of his comrades who’ve succumbed to the cruel fate of death. Looking back once more, seeing that mixture of terror and fervor in his subordinate’s frantic green eyes, he decides.

He will protect this boy, and they will protect others in the wake of their fallen friends.

The setting changes once more. He’s sitting in the mess hall, uncharacteristically accompanied by not only his superior officers but the new recruits as well.

104th are laughing, joking around, ogling Eren and Kirschtein bickering and fighting as usual.

Kirschtein admonishes him for being a suicidal maniac who jumps straight into the fight without care, and Eren fervently argues back at him. He reasons with “Who else is going to do it?! The weak?!” and Kirschtein yells something incoherent back, incapable of understanding why Eren never thinks about himself before putting himself before others.

From his side, Mikasa gently nudges his arm with an elbow. “You know…When we were little, Eren was the one who saved me.”

Levi cocks a brow, inquiring more, though he knows about her rescue story.

“He—he’s the one who taught me how to fight for myself and… for others. For him.”

“I can see that.”

He says it so simply, but he feels it—whatever _it_ is—passionately, powerfully drumming in his chest. He pictures a young Eren ferociously impaling her attackers, and while it seems like something only a _monster_ of a kid would do, he understands it. He eyes Mikasa, then Arlelt, then Hanji with the bandages wrapped across one side of her face, then Eren once more. He truly understands.

“This world is cruel.”

His long, black hair falls on his face, and he looks down. His hands are pale, weak, bony; his wrists threaten to snap at any moment. His mother has just died. He sits on the floor in her brothel room, holding jagged knees to his hollow chest.

He can’t see her chest moving in rhythm anymore. He’s not sad, but he doesn’t know where to go from here.

A figure looms over him, and he’s afraid to look up. He gazes down at his unclothed toes, thick hair falling further across his face. He can’t see.

“Oy, get up! Are you just gonna sit there and die?”

He thinks he might—but he recognizes that voice. With minuscule strength, he peers up. It’s not Kenny.

It’s Eren, eight years old, bright-eyed and glowing. His youth and confidence show through to the surface as he reaches a friendly hand out to Levi. He peers up more, finally enough to push the hair out of his line of vision. Hesitantly, warily, he takes Eren’s hand and struggles to stand up beside him.

When he manages to stand, he’s outside the walls. They’re in front of the ocean, which crashes in blue, clear, rhythmic waves at their feet. Birds squawk overhead. His comrades begin to file in behind him, surrounding a young, boisterous Eren and a small, weak Levi.

He looks at the rest and back at Eren’s shining viridian eyes. They don’t even know who he is yet, but their eyes tell him that they’re counting on him. He, himself, isn’t even aware of what is to come yet.

He thinks about what could have been if he had slaughtered the titans who stole the first two real friends he had away from him.

Suddenly Eren smiles wide, catching his attention again and squeezing Levi’s smaller, thinner hand with both of his own. Levi is caught in his breath, but he nods.

He will protect this boy to the ends of the earth, even if it kills him.

**Author's Note:**

> do you ever miss when levi was happy? because i do
> 
> so i found the song and started crying, then i pulled out a doc and wrote everything i felt for 20 minutes while the song played in the background. that's this. i was crying the whole time and i just want to see levi smile. sigh


End file.
